Memories

Memories are as much a curse as they are a blessing. My memories aren’t just in my mind, they are in every cell and calling them to my consciousness can cause every cell to ache.

How many days have been laced up with upset? I remember in my arms and shoulders the tensions of the past. Will I ever relax?

Memory can take me deep inside to a place of reflection. With all the experience that I am, I change memory into something else. Sometimes I wonder if I remember correctly, but my body knows. It remembers.

For more than a year, upset has taken center stage. How can it be that so much was lost? I wasn’t prepared even though I wanted to be.

My devotional today sorted this for me, reminding my cells that ALL things are of the Father. Will I only accept the good and blindly turn away what’s difficult? How will I know the heights of joy without the depths of sorrow to compare?

Sorrow wells up in waves that overtake my breathing; I feel stifled, but then I am reminded of bliss – the sounds of my children’s voices both today and from the distant past – how can there be sorrow when I have the three of them and all their memories to cherish?

I quiet my tears with peaceful breath and I am calmed.

ALL things are a blessing and a curse, for without the contrast of opposites, experience would be dulled by that which has no contours and thus cannot be compared or sorted.

Memory is yet another way of knowing our past, our present and our dreams simultaneously at once, flowing through time to make up this life.

Lost for a moment in grief, I return to my home inside. It’s been turned upside down these past months, but each day when I return, I attempt to put things into their new places, into their new perspectives. The act itself is healing and as I heal the curse of memory fades and I smile as I remember.

New Art

Prior to September, it had literally been months since I'd gotten my paints wet. I remedied that over Labor Day weekend and have been happily trying to keep up the practice ever since.  My sketchbook journal has many new pages as a result.

I'm also trying a new medium - water soluble graphite pencils. Ever since I was a young drafting student, I have been in love with graphite. To combine it with my love for the softness water adds is a true delight. I played last night and by the time I was done, this little man had appeared in my sketchbook! I had been thinking about Yom Kippur beginning at sunset all day. To all those celebrating this holy day, G'mar Hatimah Tovah.

K

Ave Maria - The Final Take

It has taken more than a month to learn and memorize the piano part, but it was worth every second and now, I can do this:

Ave Maria on Piano - Part 3

This time, no music!!  =)

Ave Maria on Piano - Part 2

I learned a long time ago that practice makes perfect.... still not quite perfect, but much better than before AND I can get through the entire piece now. Next step is to completely memorize it!

So much fun!!  =)

Ave Maria - flute & piano

Not the complete song, but enough to get a feel for the finished piece once I finish learning the piano part..... it has been SO MUCH FUN to practice this!!  =)

When I'm done, I'll make a final video, which will be dedicated to my mother. My mom is the one who gave me the gift of music as a child. Music has been such a wonderful part of my life, especially these last five years. This is my way of letting my mother know how grateful I am for her gift!

Hope your 2012 will be filled with lots of creativity!

Happy New Year!

K

Ave Maria on Piano

Since playing Ave Maria on my flute for Christmas Eve, I've completely fallen in love with the piano part and have been trying to learn to play it.  Once I can play the piano part, I can record it on my little keyboard and then play my flute along with it!

Here's the first three pages.... still a little rough, but given I don't really play piano that often, this is pretty good!

Happy New Year!

K

The Longest Night Has Passed

We've endured the darkness
but the longest night has passed
light has returned and we turn
towards it, accepting its
warmth and radiance

With each day, the light grows
and we can accept its gift
and open ourselves to
new beginnings with
hope and wonder

And as the light fills us
we reflect its beaming glow
of life back into the world
for all to know the deepest
joy and peace

Living in the light
the world shines
with all the dreams
we've dreamed......
you and me

Just Enough of Everything

The unexpected brings what's new and

smiles, words and energy prevail

and you bask in the moment, 

with wonder and joy at it having

just enough of everything

Surprise, surprise

who knew the next corner

would be the one to reveal

and with it came the needed eyes to see

just enough of everything

This thing.. this moment so sweet

captured in the reflection of beauty

so attentive and awkward and

brimming with many delights that are

just enough of everything

Dancing in the light with music

swirling in the air, life takes

my breath away as the sun warms 

my face and my day is filled with

just enough of everything

Got Yarn?

My first Christmas present arrived in the mail a few days ago and I've been delightfully busy ever since. I had asked for a ball winder and my wonderful mother sent it along with a cute note saying "Hope you enjoy it - whatever it is!" I have the best mom!

Armed with my new ball winder, I spent yesterday searching my house for my entire yarn stash. I'm actually still finding yarn today! Then I began the process of winding balls... oh, so much fun! I know, I know... I'm kind of a dork, but - hey! - I love my yarn stash! Having my hands on all this yarn is certainly inspiring... I'm sure I'll be back to knitting soon!

I hope something has your creative juices flowing, too!

K

For the Moment

Hold me in your arms and

look into my eyes

don't look for forever, just

for the moment

Peel the onion before you

layer by layer

the reveal slowly unfolds

for the moment

I have to say.......

I don't know what to say

I'm speechless

for the moment

Words pour out and 

beauty reflects from my eyes

and I am captured

for the moment

"Flower" by R Shaffer

My Knit Masterpiece

I realized the other day when reviewing my blog that I never posted anything about the sweater I knit earlier this year shortly after teaching myself to knit! This must be rectified as my summer cardigan was a smash hit that I wore many times during the summer months. Many of my friends will immediately recall seeing me in it a number of times.

It began with a trip to The Swift Stitch in Santa Cruz, where the sales attendant was wearing a delightful little short-sleeve, cropped length cardigan she had knit herself. I immediately loved it and asked her about it. I explained I was new to knitting, but had really taken to it. When I showed her my current project, she felt confident I could get through the sweater's pattern. She pulled it from her stock and help me select some luxurious yarn. I went home excited to tackle this next knitting challenge.

After a quick check of my gauge, I began. The cardigan is constructed in five pieces with some knitting completed after the pieces are sewn together. Here's a pictorial of the entire process. Unfortunately, I don't have a picture of me wearing the sweater, but I'll work on that!

The sweater is knit in five pieces from bottom to top. This is the beginning of the back.

Almost done with the back. You can see the increases for the back shaping and also decreases for the armhole.

Back is complete, but unblocked. Right front started.

Tilt your head... right front complete.

Blocking all the pieces. You can see one of the sleeves and both pieces for the front.

Once the back and front pieces were sewn at the shoulder, I was able to knit the neck band and also the button band. Saving the buttonhole band for last.

The very last stitch of the construction phase!

All sewn together. Now I just have to do that buttonhole band.... 

All finished and I found four fabulous buttons that match perfectly.

My Next Calligraphy

I've been feeling a calligraphy for a while now, but was unsure of the words it would entail. When I'm feeling a piece of artwork bubbling up, I truly enjoy the anticipation of what will emerge and capture my desire to create. I rarely sit at the table wondering what to create. Rather I am urged to my table, no longer able to contain whatever has taken hold of my creative spirit.

It is with this wonderment that the past few days have passed, until yesterday a quick peruse of my Facebook page showed me the words of my next calligraphy.

Before I share them, let me say this: the past couple months have been a deeply introspective time where I have not only looked inside myself, but also outwardly to the world as I consider how I will again rebuild my life after a time of difficult changes.

I'll thank my Facebook friend, Ajay, for the inspiration:

‎"Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakens."

                                                                         - Carl Jung

This quote perfectly captures my current experience as I both dream about my future and further awaken to myself and I knew the moment I read it I would calligraph it. The bubbling inside is now at full boil and my art table beckons... my pens and brushes yearn for my touch.

Stay tuned... I'll share pics as this one comes to life!

Dancing With Desire

My heart brims with desire

With the luxury of time, 

I bathe my mind in 

warm and bubbly 

thoughts of pleasure

Time pauses and I soak in rapturous delight

Floating from thought to thought

with each permeating 

heart, body and soul

I am quenched

Intimate love is life's gift to each of us

Even without a partner

I will dance in this playground

if only in my mind

with all that I am

Choices

Life is about choices and about learning the only control we have is over our own.

The choices of others can destroy us if we allow.

But another choice can be made.

A choice of renewal.

A choice of embracing the unknown with loving arms and depths of hope and without fear.

Never alone, I choose to live, I choose to laugh, I choose to love.

Betrayal

Betrayal came into my life at a very young age.

I was four years old when a male babysitter convinced me to place his penis in my mouth. I was reluctant to do so when he asked, my argument being he would "pee." He promised not to do that and so I complied with his request. He then urinated in my mouth.

The horror of that moment still lives in me today. Nothing can prepare a child for the betrayal that comes from a trusted caretaker.

When I was eight years old, I traveled with a beloved family friend, "Aunt Cindy", to Buffalo, New York, where we would visit her sister and brother-in-law.  While there, one afternoon the brother-in-law took me in the car to pick up lunch.  Back in those days the front seat of the car was a bench seat with no center console.

When we first left the house, I was sitting next to the passenger door with plenty of space in-between us, but when we had driven a ways, he asked me to slide over and sit next to him.  The moment he made the request, I sensed something was wrong.  Reluctantly, I slid across the seat towards him.

What happened next never should have happened.  I remember some of it.  I remember telling him I didn't like what he was doing.  I remember when it was over, sliding back to sit next to the door again.  Years would pass before I would tell.

Even as I write these words today, my body is racked with fear from these memories.

Betrayal comes in many forms and can leave open wounds, scabs and scars across our lives. No one is immune.

For as much as I have been betrayed, I have been loved many more times over.

I've worked hard to heal from my past and to recognize my own wounds and scars and how they frame my world.  I've learned to trust and to not be afraid.  I have loved.

To me, this is the essence of the Light conquering the darkness.

An Open Door

Revised 10/8/2011

Yesterday when I arrived at church with a car full of food for a luncheon after services, I was dismayed to realize I had forgotten my church key.  There was plenty of time to go home and fetch my key, but there was no energy in me for that.

I stepped out of my car with a sunken heart, purse and car key in hand.  I locked the car door and walked to the side of the church hoping to see if perhaps someone had already arrived.  No one was there.  It's early.

Figuring on a wait, I turned and walked towards a little bench in front of our church. There I would sit and wait for someone else to arrive, hopefully with a key. Disappointment would keep me company.

As I walked towards the bench, I looked at the fellowship hall just beyond with it's locked door.  Maybe it's open.  Suddenly I felt the possibility of the door being unlocked.  It shouldn't be open.

I walked towards the door and up the few steps - dismay now replaced with hope - and placed my hand on the knob.

With one turn the door swung open and I entered the sanctuary.

Chuckling to myself, I returned to my car to retrieve my groceries.  I couldn't help but notice a bounce in my step and a smile on my heart.

Revelation 3:8 "I know thy works; behold, I have set before thee an open door, and no man can shut it: for you have a little strength, and have kept my word, and have not denied my name."

Amen.

A Love Poem For Me

Love For You

Beautiful and lovely, Kristin
How I marvel at the day the thought of you came

With such care did I create you
Full of compassion, wit and intellect

Fragile and tender-hearted

I know the suffering you endure

But I am always here

Nothing will ever keep me from you

Never will a moment pass where I am not filled with love for you

Time cannot measure the length of my love for you
The ocean depths are shallow compared to the depth of my love for you

Always will I love you - just as you are
Always will I be filled with love for you

You are perfect in my eyes
You are malleable in my hands

You are my child
You are my love

Now and Forever

Knitting Escapades - Part 2

Okay - I'm hooked on knitting (funny pun there if you think about it!)...  =)

Since my last post, I've finished the fingerless mitts I had started and also a hat.  I'm well on my way to finishing a second hat that has knit up fabulously. It's amazing how checking your gauge improves the outcome of your knitting!

So for all of you wanna-be-knitters out there:  If I can do it, so can you!  It's really just a matter of patience and practice.  Check out Knitting Help dot com.. they have great, short videos that show you all the techniques up close.

Here are some pics of my progress:

One of the finished fingerless mitts:

Hat with cable and lace pattern - I checked my gauge very carefully for this hat and it's knitting up to the perfect size for little old me! 

Happy knitting!

Knitting Escapades - Part 1

I've been crocheting my entire life and have made many things with my crochet hook, but knitting has always eluded my skills.  I've made the decision to change that and here we go on my first official knitting project that I intend to finish, no matter what!

The pattern I'm using is for a set of fingerless mitts, which I downloaded for free from Ravelry.  I also purchased a set of bamboo knitting needles, which were recommended by the store clerk at Bobbin's Nest to be easier to use than metal needles for beginners.  A fresh skein of yarn and I'm on my way.

Here is a pic of the cast on stitches - it took me five tries to get the stitches cast on evenly with the first couple of knit rows completed.  I kept dropping stitches or making them too tight - it was frustrating, but I was determined to do it again and again until it seemed just right.

But persevere I did and eventually, I did get the hang of it.  Watching the free videos on Knitting Help dot com really helped.  In fact, I've been trying both English and Continental knitting methods and I've decided the English method works best for my hands.  Here's the next pic and in this one you can actually see the pattern emerging:

And one final pic from yesterday to show the end of my day one efforts.  Unfortunately, I didn't get a pic of the delight on my face:

Stay tuned....