Choices

Life is about choices and about learning the only control we have is over our own.

The choices of others can destroy us if we allow.

But another choice can be made.

A choice of renewal.

A choice of embracing the unknown with loving arms and depths of hope and without fear.

Never alone, I choose to live, I choose to laugh, I choose to love.

Betrayal

Betrayal came into my life at a very young age.

I was four years old when a male babysitter convinced me to place his penis in my mouth. I was reluctant to do so when he asked, my argument being he would "pee." He promised not to do that and so I complied with his request. He then urinated in my mouth.

The horror of that moment still lives in me today. Nothing can prepare a child for the betrayal that comes from a trusted caretaker.

When I was eight years old, I traveled with a beloved family friend, "Aunt Cindy", to Buffalo, New York, where we would visit her sister and brother-in-law.  While there, one afternoon the brother-in-law took me in the car to pick up lunch.  Back in those days the front seat of the car was a bench seat with no center console.

When we first left the house, I was sitting next to the passenger door with plenty of space in-between us, but when we had driven a ways, he asked me to slide over and sit next to him.  The moment he made the request, I sensed something was wrong.  Reluctantly, I slid across the seat towards him.

What happened next never should have happened.  I remember some of it.  I remember telling him I didn't like what he was doing.  I remember when it was over, sliding back to sit next to the door again.  Years would pass before I would tell.

Even as I write these words today, my body is racked with fear from these memories.

Betrayal comes in many forms and can leave open wounds, scabs and scars across our lives. No one is immune.

For as much as I have been betrayed, I have been loved many more times over.

I've worked hard to heal from my past and to recognize my own wounds and scars and how they frame my world.  I've learned to trust and to not be afraid.  I have loved.

To me, this is the essence of the Light conquering the darkness.

An Open Door

Revised 10/8/2011

Yesterday when I arrived at church with a car full of food for a luncheon after services, I was dismayed to realize I had forgotten my church key.  There was plenty of time to go home and fetch my key, but there was no energy in me for that.

I stepped out of my car with a sunken heart, purse and car key in hand.  I locked the car door and walked to the side of the church hoping to see if perhaps someone had already arrived.  No one was there.  It's early.

Figuring on a wait, I turned and walked towards a little bench in front of our church. There I would sit and wait for someone else to arrive, hopefully with a key. Disappointment would keep me company.

As I walked towards the bench, I looked at the fellowship hall just beyond with it's locked door.  Maybe it's open.  Suddenly I felt the possibility of the door being unlocked.  It shouldn't be open.

I walked towards the door and up the few steps - dismay now replaced with hope - and placed my hand on the knob.

With one turn the door swung open and I entered the sanctuary.

Chuckling to myself, I returned to my car to retrieve my groceries.  I couldn't help but notice a bounce in my step and a smile on my heart.

Revelation 3:8 "I know thy works; behold, I have set before thee an open door, and no man can shut it: for you have a little strength, and have kept my word, and have not denied my name."

Amen.

A Love Poem For Me

Love For You

Beautiful and lovely, Kristin
How I marvel at the day the thought of you came

With such care did I create you
Full of compassion, wit and intellect

Fragile and tender-hearted

I know the suffering you endure

But I am always here

Nothing will ever keep me from you

Never will a moment pass where I am not filled with love for you

Time cannot measure the length of my love for you
The ocean depths are shallow compared to the depth of my love for you

Always will I love you - just as you are
Always will I be filled with love for you

You are perfect in my eyes
You are malleable in my hands

You are my child
You are my love

Now and Forever

Knitting Escapades - Part 2

Okay - I'm hooked on knitting (funny pun there if you think about it!)...  =)

Since my last post, I've finished the fingerless mitts I had started and also a hat.  I'm well on my way to finishing a second hat that has knit up fabulously. It's amazing how checking your gauge improves the outcome of your knitting!

So for all of you wanna-be-knitters out there:  If I can do it, so can you!  It's really just a matter of patience and practice.  Check out Knitting Help dot com.. they have great, short videos that show you all the techniques up close.

Here are some pics of my progress:

One of the finished fingerless mitts:

Hat with cable and lace pattern - I checked my gauge very carefully for this hat and it's knitting up to the perfect size for little old me! 

Happy knitting!

Knitting Escapades - Part 1

I've been crocheting my entire life and have made many things with my crochet hook, but knitting has always eluded my skills.  I've made the decision to change that and here we go on my first official knitting project that I intend to finish, no matter what!

The pattern I'm using is for a set of fingerless mitts, which I downloaded for free from Ravelry.  I also purchased a set of bamboo knitting needles, which were recommended by the store clerk at Bobbin's Nest to be easier to use than metal needles for beginners.  A fresh skein of yarn and I'm on my way.

Here is a pic of the cast on stitches - it took me five tries to get the stitches cast on evenly with the first couple of knit rows completed.  I kept dropping stitches or making them too tight - it was frustrating, but I was determined to do it again and again until it seemed just right.

But persevere I did and eventually, I did get the hang of it.  Watching the free videos on Knitting Help dot com really helped.  In fact, I've been trying both English and Continental knitting methods and I've decided the English method works best for my hands.  Here's the next pic and in this one you can actually see the pattern emerging:

And one final pic from yesterday to show the end of my day one efforts.  Unfortunately, I didn't get a pic of the delight on my face:

Stay tuned.... 

My Joyous Heart Sings

Since becoming choir director at my church in late March, my heart has been expanding and expanding and expanding with joy until today it was finally so full of joy, it burst and in the droplets of joy that showered over me, I found this poem.  -K


My joyous heart sings

            "Sing out, oh my soul"

When I sing unto the Lord

       my world is perfect and whole

My heart was once empty

       for meaning it did long

And then You surprised me 

        and gifted my heart a song

This song You have given

         has been there all along

And now that I've found it

       the tune grows ever strong

The song in my heart
               is not just for me
It is for all who seek Him
             it is God's melody

May the music in my heart never end

          may it play forever more

May it bring glory to the one

       that my heart adores

I sing for You, Lord

I sing for me

I sing for the joy of others

I sing for all eternity